#1

Upon beginning therapy with a shrink, you fill out a medical survey so that they know how to go about handling you. This exchange was the result of my review a couple of years ago.

Dr: I see you've had suicidal tendencies in the past. What's going on?

Me: Oh. Life is hard.

Dr: No, no. Please don't think I'm judging you, but I'd just like to know if you already have a planned means o..

Me: Oh, nah. I'm a little too cowardly to hurt myself. I think about suicide the way any good Roman Catholic does...you know, in terms of forgiveness. Does that help your assessment?

Dr: Why, yes it does. I am just wondering, on a scale from zero to ten, zero being no likelihood of acting on these thoughts, and ten being the absolute resolve to carry through, where do you think you fall?

Me: Yeah, understood. I guess I'm really more here for anxiety management.

Dr: Good, but in case we can't schedule you in immediately...do you think you'll be alright, despite having these thoughts?

Me: Yeah, ok. Well, I'd say a 1, then. When I think about suicide, it revolves more around wondering what life would be if I were to disappear. You know, just plain imagining. It's not so much focused on the act itself. The hurting self...that kind of thing.

Dr: I'm glad. If we can't see you this week, you'll be alright?

Me: Yeah, I will be. I have too much planned for the next two weeks...I can't be doing that right now..

Dr: That's good to know! But may I ask you something?

Me: Sure.

Dr: Why did you rate yourself just a one?

Me: Oh. You never know. Zero is a commitment to never. That's a lot to ask. I like to be more realistic with probability, when I dish out stats.

And picture this delivered with a bigass grin. It was very lighthearted, not as somber as you think.