Thursday, January 17, 2008

je suis ______:

If you were to expect a genuine answer to, “What have you been up to?” from me, I would pause, and walk away slowly. I've been fervently working on the art of nothing.

Okay. In my defense, that's not entirely true. :)

Hit with the melancholy stick
As I’ve hinted in the past, these last months have been difficult on the heart, to the point where the tiny handful who have tolerated my mood swings anticipate when I will part from my newly found (and earnestly loved) hermit tendencies. I haven't been the clearest with myself, and have been a bit fragmented (hence all the spazzy links to youtube things!) Yet, internet and phone access have been difficult to come by. When I do have the opportunity to mull about, my last priority is checking the emails and voicemails that have collected through the weekdays. Oh my, apologies due to eybaddy! I am just a tad overwhelmed. It also seems the most effective way to speak to me is to share a meal, schedule a meeting, or be one of these two people: Helene/Stephen. (So, I guess it’s somewhat of a catch-22, eh?) In not reaching out to people, the dread lies in having to explain myself; this feeling that I've not met some expectations. I don't want to have to defend my actions. This is what I felt I needed. I was vulnerable, and right now, at my best, tender. It is the fear of discovery, and of course, an aspect about me. So yes, being self-serving in the morning: TASTY!

ONWARD! happier fronts

  • I've developed an urge to fight persons.
  • The holidays could have been better, but why complain other than that? I was able to see my two sisters (always a treat, even when they’re annoying and temperamental. So, if we’re gonna be honest here, it’s a 60/40 split.) I still miss them lots. All the time.
  • Hanna Montana = Saved By the Bell of this generation.
  • I’ve found a younger cousin (whom I’ve never met) via facebook! He’s from the East Bay, and is this fantastic stencil artist! One of his notes was 2/3rds about the young woman he is currently dating, and let me tell you, just hearing that kind of thing makes my heart skip a beat, gush, and think about high school puppy love.
  • Yes, I am a sucker. And?
  • Classes begin next week.
  • I’m in the middle of shaping a side-business while I’m in school (ugh)
  • crazy excited about wedding year!
  • my grandma wrote me a letter and talked about how she loved In N Out <3
  • my cousin (actually she’s my godsister, but it’s just way easier to call her my cousin) and her partner are moving into the apartment above me! It’s gonna be fun! <3
  • I value grace and propriety. (Sorr13z!)
  • I sent a mass text on New Year’s. It was funny to see who responded!
  • Also, with the craft/sewing room, I’ve just been blue printing and making things. Expect me to advertise in the near future.
  • I am part of this 6 month long poetry project with some other folks! That should be fun. Summer! Watch for it! <3
  • my googlereader is hookedthefuckUP, sonnnn!

  • Now, I’m not gonna write the reasons for melancholy; that would just be a listed pity party. It would be a boringly technical sounding one at that. However, I will say that what I’ve been feeling has hindered me from being the normally good friend I am. I’ve become one of the flakiest people, likely to spend forty-five minutes preparing to leave my home, then have the slightest change in attitude about said event. So, I'd look at the condensation living on the corners of my bedroom window pane, then see that NOVA is on PBS, sit down, kick off my shoes, and call it what it is: my eventful Friday night. (Sometimes, I don’t even go through the trouble of washing the make up off my face, leaving an attractive pillowcase come morning.)

    non sequitur: hi. i love new jersey.
    My life right now, as it seems, calls for quiet. No bells and whistles. No lies about some grand tour and travel. No name dropping. No myspace-style self portraits in my best outfit of the week. No. This is what I look like when I wake up. It's nothing exciting, but I am oddly proud of the manner I've lived my life in these last weeks. In my mind, I've romanticized this time in these surroundings with the rustic charm of Walden Pond...just with internet. Sometimes. While it may sound like nothing to most, I have spent the last fifty-eight or so days collecting more trivia (for Jeopardy!), reading some fantastic/tragic stories, and to the best of my ability, investing a little more in myself.

    Oh. And I turn 26 soon.


    This is the kind of spoken word I like:

    1 comment:

    1. omg, that first video fucked my tear ducts up so badly.

      MOTHERHOOD 2008!

      no, wait...