When I was in the seventh grade, I was told that my close friend, R's, boyfriend had feelings for me. When he told me over the phone, I simply said, "but that's what you feel, not what I feel," even though I instinctively knew who would be blamed for this little fiasco. An hour later, R called me to curse me out. She told me that I was a "man-stealing bitch," when in fact, I didn't do much of anything. Quite helpless and on a 3way attack with another former friend, I didn't have much time to assemble a defense. While I was convinced my reaction was the most honest I could have been, in seventh grade, where friendships were the center of the universe, a time when I once said ridiculous shit like, "my friends are my family," where I did not have the luxury of hindsight or the tools to provide myself clarity, my best friend calling me a "bitch" broke me. I locked myself in the basement bathroom with the cordless phone, cried, and listened to everything R needed to say. I was still in there with the phone when my parents came home from work.
My father pounded on the door and told me to come out. SAid that I would regret it if I didn't. I opened the door and he saw that I was crying. He grabbed the phone from me, and was pushing for answers in a line up of questions delivered by his anger: why was i crying? who was i talking to? why wasn't i answering him? I stayed quiet. I didn't know if it was fear, or not wanting to sort out the details, but I didn't say a word.
Then, he slapped me. Just because I wouldn't tell him anything. When my mom asked about the handprint on my face, he said, "She keeps crying and won't tell me why." The irony, eh?
So, when I find that folks are hiding things from me, I try to keep the above story in mind.
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That is awful, Hanalei. =(
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of when parents say "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."
It also reminds me of when a kid I knew was going through really rough times at school, and as a result let his grades slip, became attached to his computer games, and gained weight. Instead of trying to get to the root of the problem, his parents just beat him for his poor grades, took away his computer games, and constantly made comments about how the doctor said he's overweight and he needs to exercise more (all while being grounded half the time because of his bad grades in the first place).
There were instances where his mother would ask what was wrong with him, and when he didn't answer immediately, he'd get the belt. When his feelings were hurt, he was told to stop being overdramatic and sensitive. It wasn't until he locked the cat in a cooler in the basement (which, by the way, he did after his mom shoved him, then told him to stop being oversensitive after seeing his reaction) and forgot to let it out that his parents sat down and talked to him (after a long tirade in which his mother said she was disgusted with him and she'd disown him for being a murderer).
Eventually, it turned out, he was being singled out as a trouble kid at school, simply because he had lower standardized test scores coming into the class than his teacher would have liked (despite being an honor roll student every year prior). He was being picked on, and all his teacher would tell him was "I guess that's what you deserve, huh?"
On his report card, his teacher wrote "Hope you have fun in summer school!", and announced to the entire class that he'd failed. He came home to a beating, being called an idiot and a moron for the entire day afterwards.
Sorry I went off on a rant, but your story just reminds me that when people are upset, or showing signs that they are, screaming at them because they won't tell you what is wrong is not the way to help them out. I experience the same thing when I talk to my sister, and it only serves to make things worse.
Hopefully, I'll use these examples to help me help others better.